Narcissism has become a popular buzzword used to explain the behavior and apparent success of individuals ranging from Donald Trump, through the late Steve Jobs and the infamous Paris Hilton. As a label it is often used as shorthand for "self-absorbed jerk". From a psychological perspective Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a codified set of behaviours that often present together and can create havoc for both the narcissist and those around them. There is an excellent book called "The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement", written by Jean Twenge and Keith Campbell that investigates narcissism, how it originates in our culture, the impacts of this disposition, and what we can do about it.
According to Twenge and Campbell narcissists are not just confident, they are overconfident, and- unlike most people high in self-esteem- they place little value on emotionally close relationships. Their belief in their superior attractiveness, competency, and intelligence is usually not based in reality but nevertheless is their driving force and both defines their motivations and the rewards that they seek. Maintaining the fantasy of their inflated self-importance is expensive, and the narcissist will happily destroy others or themselves in the maintenance of their narcissistic supply, or those people and activities that reinforce their unrealistic ideas of self. Twenge and Campbell write:
Understanding the narcissism epidemic is important because its long-term consequences are destructive to society. American culture's focus on self-admiration has caused a flight from reality to the land of grandiose fantasy. We have phony rich people (with interest-only mortgages and piles of debt), phony beauty (with plastic surgery and cosmetic procedures), phony athletes (with performance-enhancing drugs), phony celebrities (via reality TV and YouTube), phony genius students (with grade inflations), a phony national economy (with $11 trillion of government debt [USA in 2008], phony feelings of being special among children (with parenting and eduction focused on self-esteem), and phony friends (with the social networking explosion). All this fantasy might feel good, but, unfortunately, reality always wins. The mortgage meltdown and the resulting financial crisis are just one demonstration of how inflated desires eventually crash to earth.
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Narcissism causes almost all of the things that we had hoped high self-esteem would prevent, including aggression, materialism, lack of caring for others, and shallow values. In trying to build a society that celebrates high self-esteem, self-expression, and "loving yourself," we have inadvertently created more narcissists- and a culture that brings out the narcissistic behavior in all of us.
Many believe in the message from Wall Street, that "Greed is Good." This myth is in part what allows narcissists to influence society. They are often promoted within organizations, sometimes because they can perform well in the short run, but often because they seem like a good choice and are able to charm their way to the top. As romantic partners they can seem exciting and interesting, and the collection of traits that they exhibit, even if only indulged in moderately, can seem pleasurable and reasonable when we act them out on a small scale. Twenge and Campbell provide a summary of several myths about narcissists, and include notes on the relevant studies that illustrate their point.
Myth #1: Narcissism is "Really High" Self-Esteem
Narcissists do have high self-esteem, but narcissism and self-esteem differ in an important way. Narcissists think they are smarter, better looking, and more important than others, but not necessarily more moral, more caring, or more compassionate. Narcissists don't brag about how they are the most thoughtful people in the world, but they do like to point out that they are winners. People merely high in self-esteem also have positive views of themselves, but they also see themselves as loving and moral. This is one reason narcissists lack perspective- close relationships keep the ego in check. Narcissists have no interest in caring for others, which is why their self-admiration often spins out of control.
Myth #2: Narcissists are Insecure and Have Low Self-Esteem
Many people believe that narcissists are actually insecure and "hate themselves deep down inside." Their self-importance, this theory goes, is just a cover for their deep-seated doubts about themselves. This idea can be traced back to the speculation that narcissism is a defense against an "empty" or "enraged" self, hidden low self-esteem, or a deep seated sense of shame. The "cover for insecurity" model of narcissism is pervasive in our culture. On TV's ER, a coworker confronts a mean, bitingly sarcastic surgical resident by saying: "What is it about your need to belittle other people? Does insulting someone make you feel like a man, bolster what little self-esteem you're clinging to? I can't even begin to imagine what happened in your life to make you the kind of person that everybody hates." The usually confident surgical resident looks flustered and promptly drops the papers he's carrying, which is TV shorthand for "You're right, you discovered the hidden truth about my poor wasted soul".
While the idea that the narcissist has secret low self-esteem is popular, there is no evidence that the extroverted narcissist is insecure underneath- they like themselves just fine, and even more than the average person. Adults who score high on narcissism tests typically score high on self-esteem tests as well. The most common self-esteem tests include items such as "I feel I am a person of worth, at least on an equal basis with others," and "I feel that I have a number of good qualities." Someone who thought he was entitled to the best will easily agree with these statements. There is a small subset of "vulnerable narcissists" who do have occasional bouts of low self-esteem, but these individuals are rare and don't follow the most common patterns of the narcissist.
Psychological tests can measure self-esteem by asking respondents to pair keys for "me" and "not me" with positive and negative words that flash quickly across a computer screen. These tests are structured to measure response time in fractions of a second, which should reveal unconscious ideas or thoughts that a person is attempting to hide. People with high self-esteem find it easy to associate themselves with positive words like good and wonderful, but react much more slowly when trying to pair "me" with awful and wrong. Tests like these were used to ascertain whether narcissists were just saying that they were great, but secretly did not believe so. Several researchers have used this technique to discover how narcissists actually feel about themselves, and it turns out that narcissists think they're amazing people deep down inside. Their claims that they are awesome aren't just another fluffed up sales pitch; this perspective of personal greatness is one they truly believe.
Myth #3: Narcissists Really are Great/Better-Looking/Smarter
There is very little evidence that narcissists are actually any better on average than non-narcissists. Two studies found that narcissists didn't score any higher on objective IQ tests, and another found no correlation between narcissism and performance on a test of general knowledge. Studies on creativity are mixed, with one finding a positive correlation and another finding no relationship. Narcissists also aren't any better looking: across two studies, strangers who rated head shots found narcissists no more attractive than others, even though the narcissist thought they were better looking than average. Narcissists do know how to pick out a flattering picture of themselves. For example, the pictures that narcissists chose for their personal Web pages were rated as more attractive by observers. Overall narcissists believe that they are smarter and more beautiful than they actually are.
Myth #4: Some Narcissism is Healthy
Is some amount of narcissism healthy? The real question is "Healthy for whom?" Selfishness, for example, might allow you to get a bigger piece of dessert after dinner, but will hurt your longer-term relationships with your companions and might cost you a dinner invitation in the future.
If we are arguing that narcissism is bad, does this mean that belittling or disrespecting yourself is the right choice? The claim that ignoring your self-worth is the alternative to loving yourself is a false dichotomy. A small number of people do hate themselves and could use some self-admiration. However, consider that focusing on the self is only one of many possible routes to self-improvement, and enjoyment of the world. As alternatives consider your relationships with others, your work, or the beauty of the natural world. Think about the deepest joy you experience in life- it doesn't typically come from thinking about how great you are. Instead it comes from connecting with the world and getting away from yourself.
The idea that anti-social behavior is wrong should inform our stance on whether self-admiration is healthy. Narcissism at the expense of one's own performance is also not healthy. Narcissism that helps performance but does not hurt others, such as the confidence you might need before a big public performance, is the healthier aspect of narcissism, although there are probably other ways to get the same result without focusing so much on the self. Narcissism is by definition a focus on the self at the expense of others, and this almost always leads to problems for both the narcissist and everyone around them.
Myth #5: Narcissism is Just Physical Vanity
Although vanity is certainly one of the negative characteristics of the narcissists it is far from the only one. Narcissists are also materialisticly entitled, aggressive when insulted, and uninterested in emotional closeness.
Twenge and Campell reviewed a collection of articles where college students filled out the Narcissistic Personality Inventory between 1979 and 2006. Results from a total of 85 articles aggregated data for 16,000 college students. College students in the 2000s where significantly more narcissistic than Gen Xers and Babyboomers in the 1970s, '80s and '90s. The Baby Boomers, a generation famous for being self-absorbed, were outdone by their children. By 2006, two thirds of college students scored above the scale's original 1979-85 sample average. This represents a 30% increase in just two decades. One out of four recent college students answered the majority of questions in the narcissistic direction. To put this change in perspective it is as though in 20 years the average height of all men went up up by about an inch. You might not notice this immediately when say for example comparing yearbook photographs of a highschool football team from 1985 and 2005, but the measured change is unmistakable and indicates a shift in society for the worse.
Youth have unrealistically high expectations for themselves. In 2000, 50% of highschool students expected to attend law, medical, dental, or graduate school, double the expectations of students in the 1970s. However, the number of people who actually attain these degrees has not changed. In addition, more than two-thirds of high school students now say that they expect to be in the top 20% of performance in their jobs.
Dealing with narcissism in others can be quite difficult. People generally don't change unless they want to, and narcissism is a particularly unpleasant state of mind where a person generally believes that everything about themselves is really quite great. Spending a lot of time thinking about what is wrong with narcissists, or how a particular individual in your life that you believe is a narcissist is a huge pain doesn't help much. In Recovery meetings we don't talk about changing others but instead we talk about changing ourselves. We can look at the narcissist as a catalog of things to not do, and rather than accusing others of being narcissists we should instead ask, which of these behaviours have I allowed into my life, and which ones can I change.
Narcissistic attitudes have the potential to be extremely self destructive, in the chapter from MHTWT titled "Temper and Symptom- Passive Response and Active Reaction", Dr. Low examines (E) Peter (P), a man suffering from a large number of physical symptoms including uncontrollable anger, difficulty swallowing, concentrating, and uncomfortable bouts of belching. What disturbed Peter most was his lack of self-confidence and the inability to check his temper. In this interview Abraham Low is uncharacteristically blunt with Peter, he writes:
E: What seems to trouble you most is the fact that your self-confidence is reduced to a level in which you are no longer as cocky, argumentative, conceited and intellectually snobbish as you used to be. If my sharp wording displeases you I shall remind you of the pertness with which you used to voice your political opinions, the intolerance you used to display in your tiffs with friends, wife and co-workers, of the delight you took in out-arguing anybody who might engage in an exchange of views with you. As I see it, you do not suffer from any lack of self-confidence. You merely resent the fact that your former vanity and inflated sense of importance are now gone. You consider that a loss, thinking you have become a dish rag; I regard it as a gain, thinking you are on the way to develop a measure of humility. What interests me is your failure to curb your temper sufficiently. As long as you continue to indulge your temperamental habits your symptoms will persist. Eliminate your temper and you will do away with your symptoms.
P: I have tried the hardest to get rid of my temper and it seems to me I accomplished a good deal. At home I have few arguments, and in the shop I keep quiet most of the time. But of course I fly off the handle once in a while. And, good Lord, once I let myself go there are the palpitations and the confusion and some air-hunger and belching. Can't I ever be natural and human like others?
E: I am not at all concerned with your being natural and human. My sole objective is to rid you of your symptoms. You seem to think it is your natural and human privilege to exercise your temper. It is just as natural and human to eat steak. But if a man is suffering from a gastric upset he'd better relinquish his "natural and human right" to steak dinners. Are you willing to give up your temper for the sake of your health?
P: I guess I am willing. But this thing's got me licked. I try to be calm and I do pretty well most of the time. But if the boss is unreasonable and rides me the worst way I cannot hold back and tell him where to get off.
E: Give me an example of the manner in which the boss is unreasonable. Tell me what he does to "ride you the worst way."
P: The other day when I came to the shop a tool was missing. I asked the boss whether he had seen it and he said, "You lost it and you will have to find it." That just burned me up. I came back with a saucy remark and he laughed out loud. That dirty laugh made me boil. I let loose and gave him a mouthful. It didn't take a minute and I had my belching and it took me hours to get rid of it.
E: From what I know about you it seems to me that this example is representative. It represents your customary habit of reacting to minor frustrations. You asked a question, and the boss returned a gruff answer. Instantly you became irritated to the point of "burning up." The next link in the chain of events was that you came back with a "saucy" remark. The boss, refusing to become temperamental, laughed and made your blood "boil." The final result was that you belched for hours. You will realize that what "burned" and "boiled" was your temper. You know, however, that temper will neither burn nor boil unless you form the idea that you have been wronged. From this we conclude that prior to releasing your temper you thought or decided that the boss was wrong and you were right. It was this temperamental thought in your brain that touched off the temperamental commotion in your body. This again led to the "saucy" remark and ultimately to the sustained fit of belching. Let me repeat: there was (1) the temperamental thought, (2) the temperamental commotion, (3) the "saucy" remark, (4) the belching. You will understand that the thought "he is wrong and I am right" can be rejected, suppressed or dropped. You will also understand that your "saucy" remark could have been checked. In other words in this fourfold series of incidents, two lent themselves readily for control. You could have rejected the thought of being wronged by the boss and could have prevented your muscles of speech from voicing the "saucy" remark.
When we read this chapter in our most recent meeting people laughed out loud at Low's initial remarks to Peter. This interview is quite unusual for Dr. Low, while often firm in his discussions with his patients he is rarely this direct and harsh. Peter is caught in a difficult place, where the recommended cure is for him to find some humility, and he feels that by being humble he has become a "dishrag".
Peter, in many ways, is suffering from some of the characteristics of the narcissist. He is self absorbed, abusive with his family and with his boss and coworkers, and the suggestion that he should be more patient, less argumentative, and less full-of-himself seems to him to be a terrible idea. Yet Peter's symptoms are extremely severe, the stress that Peter puts himself though by constantly arguing with his boss and his family cause him to belch uncontrollably, resulted in an emergency trip to the hospital after he feared he would physically collapse, and have left him a worried wreck.
Dealing with someone like Peter is exceptionally difficult. In this excerpt where Peter is soliciting Dr. Low's help even Dr. Low seems to feel frustrated as he tries to convince Peter that his troubles are rooted in selfishness. Twenge and Campbell note that narcissists are extremely difficult to change, and rarely do they show up for treatment. Usually what happens instead is those hurt around them are the ones who end up in distress. If you recognize a full blown narcissist in your life the recommendation is to be extremely cautious if you must deal with them, and get away from them if you can. If you recognize these behaviours in your own life these are things that you can and should change. You may feel like Peter, that giving up your old habits is tantamount to becoming a dishrag, however try to recognize this as a growing pain. Change is difficult, and letting go of selfishness is not the same as letting go of self-respect.
When I read The Narcissist Epidemic it made me rethink the notion that self-esteem was extremely important and my lack of it might be the root of my troubles. The conclusion offered by Twenge and Campbell is that while negative perceptions of the self can be a problem in some limited circumstances they are not nearly as problematic as over-confidence, and an unrealistic over-valuation of the self. Humility may seem like an old-fashioned value, and according to the authors of The Narcissism Epidemic it has largely fallen out of favor, but they also present compelling evidence through a broad survey of scientific papers that focusing too much on the self provides no advantage, and if done at the expense of others, can be detrimental.
Recovery meetings are organized not by professionals, but by volunteers experienced in the method. We work together to continue to learn good habits and discuss strategies for managing our fears and anger. One of our basic tools is the reminder to be "Group Minded", or consider the impact of your words and actions on everyone around you. While the narcissist fails to consider anyone but themself, there are also those that fall into the opposite trap, and ignore their own needs and do whatever is asked of them. Striking a balance between your own self-interest and the interests of others is important, and is one of the core values that we discuss at Recovery meetings.
More Information
How to Deal with Difficult People
Sarcasm, Humour and Ambiguity
About Recovery Hamilton
