Many people who attend their first Recovery meeting aren't sure whether what is being talked about applies to them or makes sense. We try to answer questions for new-comers, its okay to be sceptical and ask tough questions. Some examples:
Q: I've seen people talk about the power of positive thinking and repeat sayings, that doesn't make me feel better, rather often it makes me feel worse.
A: In Recovery we say, you can't control your feelings, you can control what you think say and do. This isn't something you say over and over to make yourself feel better, its a recipe for reminding you about what you can control and what you can't. You still have to figure out what to say and what to do. That part is hard, but it is the key to progress. We talk about how to choose what to say and what to do.
Q: Okay, so you said I can't control my feelings, so what is the point of this then?
A: When we respond impulsively sometimes we get into trouble and we end up feeling bad. When we complain we get brief relief, but we tend to alienate the people listening to us, and we just keep stewing about our problems. When we use sarcasm and mockery we feel pretty sure of ourselves, but acquaintances tend to avoid us because they worry they may be the next target. You can't control your feelings in the moment, but you can change your attitudes towards your situation and set yourself up for good experiences in the future. This is an incremental process.
Q: Quit complaining, are you kidding?! The world is a mess, my life is a mess, I've got every right to complain.
A: In Recovery we talk about the complaining habit. There is a difference between talking to someone about a problem you have while searching for a solution, and just moaning about the problem. Most problems can be roughly explained in about 5 or 10 minutes, listening to suggested solutions can take longer, and may lead to other questions, but this isn't the same as lecturing someone else about how bad things are for you.
Q: Please, I've had a hard time, sometimes I just need to tell someone about it and for them to listen.
A: Ask yourself this: are you seeking solutions, are you seeking sympathy or are you stuck in a vicious cycle of complaining? Its okay to just ask for sympathy and not solutions. Its okay to tell people you are hurt without expecting them to give you an answer. However, some people get stuck in a vicious cycle, and all they do is tell other people how bad things are, this is a problem in itself. A person entrenched in a vicious cycle of complaining has their mind locked in a state of temper and frustration. Friends, family and acquaintances become exhausted from listening to the long repetitive story of suffering, and may start to avoid the person in pain. This is something you can change.
Q: Please, I've had a hard time, sometimes I just need to tell someone about it and for them to listen.
A: Ask yourself this: are you seeking solutions, are you seeking sympathy or are you stuck in a vicious cycle of complaining? Its okay to just ask for sympathy and not solutions. Its okay to tell people you are hurt without expecting them to give you an answer. However, some people get stuck in a vicious cycle, and all they do is tell other people how bad things are, this is a problem in itself. A person entrenched in a vicious cycle of complaining has their mind locked in a state of temper and frustration. Friends, family and acquaintances become exhausted from listening to the long repetitive story of suffering, and may start to avoid the person in pain. This is something you can change.
Q: I think you are telling me to stop expressing my emotions. I can't get better unless I talk about what is going on inside of my head.
A: In Recovery we say, express your feelings, not your temper. We make a distinction between honest and genuine feelings, and destructive or hostile tempers. We agree you should express your feelings, but it is important that you do it in a civilised and non-confrontational manner.
Q: Are you asking me to become a dishrag? and just let people walk all over me?
A: Being non-confrontational is not the same as being a dishrag. You should stand up for yourself, the important thing is to do it in such a way that what you say isn't perceived as an assault.
Q: If I express my feelings, things don't always go well, I'd prefer to keep them to myself.
A: Many people are worried about what the response may be if they express what they genuinely feel. We talk about not expressing everything you think and feel all the time, but being clear with others when you are upset. It is true that you don't know how others will respond, but if you are in a conflict with someone the situation won't improve if they don't understand how you feel. Remember to do it in a civilised way. This is easy to say, but very hard to do. We acknowledge that expressing feelings in a civilised way as part of resolving a conflict may be the hardest thing we ask of ourselves. We endorse for the effort not for the outcome.
Q: How can changing the way you think change the way you feel? I don't believe that there is a connection here.
A: There isn't a direct and immediate cause and effect between thoughts and feelings. You can't think away the pain of a toothache or a broken bone. In the same vein you cannot think away the heartache you might feel from a lost family member, or the anxiety you feel about attending a job interview. What you can do is manage how you respond in these situations and what you choose to do. You can choose to go see a dentist and although you may feel pain and fear, that choice will ultimately lead to better outcomes than ignoring the problem. You can choose to go to the interview despite your internal upset. You may not get the job, you can't control the outcome, but you can control whether or not you make an effort. Making good choices despite your feelings won't make the bad feeling go away immediately. Changing your attitudes and how you respond can reduce the stress of the whole situation, and with practice, you can become more at ease with scenarios that created problems for you in the past.
Q: I have very serious real problems. I feel crushing anxiety all the time and have difficulty functioning. What is the point in talking about being angry in a line up at a shop? I don't have time for that.
A: With many tasks we deal with the biggest problem first. Like when you pay your bills, you start with the rent or mortgage, then you make sure your car insurance and phone bill are paid, then pay for groceries, then if there is cash left over you do something fun, like go to the movies. In Recovery we work from the opposite direction, bottom up instead of top down. When learning to drive you don't start on the autobahn, you start in a parking lot learning where the brake is, how to adjust mirrors, learning to steer with ease and not to grip the wheel. In Recovery we say the focus is on trivialities, which you can think of as basics. You must get good at all the basic situations. They happen all the time, your life is filled with them. Once in a while you will have to deal with very serious situations, if you are good at the basics, then more serious situations will also go smoothly.
Q: I am in pain now, and I need a solution and relief now!
A: Some people remain locked in painful cycles for decades, and in unfortunate cases entire lives are consumed by fear, anger, depression, anxiety and frustration. It is not always possible to get immediate relief, and sometimes when people pursue instant answers they end up in more trouble. Some people drink alcohol on the weekends to get some stress relief, but as we all know, this can turn into a dangerous habit with serious physical and social consequences. Some forms of escapism are okay in moderation, like fantasy movies, or video games, but in excess these can become problematic as well and can lead to isolation and disconnection from friends and family. In Recovery we say face discomfort and comfort will come, and comfort is a want not a need. Recovery isn't a quick fix, but if you've been stuck in a bad place for a long time, you may be ready to put the effort in. You can start now, and in time things will change.
Q: I know what I feel, and I know that there is something wrong with me. I don't think this will help, my problems are extreme and unusual. Its been bad for a long time.
A: In Recovery we talk about being average rather than exceptional. Many people have been where you are today and were able to get better. People tend to fall into common traps that create problems. When you come to meetings you will meet other average people like you who have had similar problems. Insisting on being right is one trap we talk about a lot. Many people feel good when they are right and become good at their jobs, and good at arguing their position, and while these skills are useful, being right or perfect all the time creates a lot of stress and anxiety. Our feelings sometimes deceive us, its okay to be average, its okay to make mistakes.
Q: I read the whole Recovery book, I get it, I learned a lot of the terms, I'm not feeling any better.
A: The Recovery tools aren't something that you can just read about, you have to practise them. You can read the book on your own if you plan to follow through with the ideas in your life, but it helps a lot to meet other people and talk to them about how they use the tools. We encourage members to practise every week between meetings and to come with examples of how they used the tools so others can learn from them. We need to change our habits to first function better before we will feel better. This takes time.
A: The Recovery tools aren't something that you can just read about, you have to practise them. You can read the book on your own if you plan to follow through with the ideas in your life, but it helps a lot to meet other people and talk to them about how they use the tools. We encourage members to practise every week between meetings and to come with examples of how they used the tools so others can learn from them. We need to change our habits to first function better before we will feel better. This takes time.
Q: I've read through your whole wiki and the book, I even watched some of the videos. This isn't for me. Its weird, and awkward.
A: Maybe Recovery is not for you. Our Recovery group requires a lot of effort, and patience. We can't offer advice for certain kinds of problems. There are some medications that a psychiatrist can provide, we are not able to discuss these, or really even tell you much about what a medical professional could do. Some talk therapists know a great deal about specific traumas and can discuss your history in ways we can't. However, we will be here if you change your mind down the road, you can always speak to others and then come back and join us in the future.
Q: I can't do anything let alone this. I am unmotivated, disinterested, and I just feel confused and blocked all the time. This sounds too hard.
A: In Recovery we say move your muscles, do what you fear and hate so long as there is no physical danger. You must choose to get better. Start with little things. You can choose to go to the supermarket, even if it scares you. You can choose to do your chores, even if you feel tired and exhausted. You can choose to go for a walk in the sunshine, even if your legs feel numb, and you worry that people are judging you. You can choose to answer your phone when it rings, even if you are scared of what the person calling might say. Recovery is about making good choices despite not feeling motivated to. Often the action comes first, the motivation second. The muscles can teach the brain.
A: In Recovery we say move your muscles, do what you fear and hate so long as there is no physical danger. You must choose to get better. Start with little things. You can choose to go to the supermarket, even if it scares you. You can choose to do your chores, even if you feel tired and exhausted. You can choose to go for a walk in the sunshine, even if your legs feel numb, and you worry that people are judging you. You can choose to answer your phone when it rings, even if you are scared of what the person calling might say. Recovery is about making good choices despite not feeling motivated to. Often the action comes first, the motivation second. The muscles can teach the brain.
Q: This seems like work, it sounds like school, and really no fun. I wasn't good in school, I don't need a reminder.
A: Meetings provide both a place to learn about Recovery, and a place to meet people. Isolation and social stigma are side effects of mental health issues, and simply spending time with other people provides relief for some members. While Recovery members are struggling they are also supportive, understanding and patient. People come to meetings from all walks of life, hospital workers, construction workers, single parents, teachers, computer programmers, college students and many others. We go and have snacks at a nearby coffee shop after meetings and talk about whatever we want; books, movies, local news, hobbies, pets, etc. Chances are good that you may find someone here who you can relate to for reasons beyond just shared troubles.
A: Meetings provide both a place to learn about Recovery, and a place to meet people. Isolation and social stigma are side effects of mental health issues, and simply spending time with other people provides relief for some members. While Recovery members are struggling they are also supportive, understanding and patient. People come to meetings from all walks of life, hospital workers, construction workers, single parents, teachers, computer programmers, college students and many others. We go and have snacks at a nearby coffee shop after meetings and talk about whatever we want; books, movies, local news, hobbies, pets, etc. Chances are good that you may find someone here who you can relate to for reasons beyond just shared troubles.
